If you can't say something nice . . .

I haven't blogged in awhile. That's not to say I haven't been writing for myself, just that I haven't been sharing. There's been a lot going on for me in the past year, but nothing that I wanted to, or could, share outside of my own internal reflection.

I've been relatively quiet on social media as well. About a year and a half ago, I came up with my own personal motto for Facebook; if I wanted to post, it needed to be positive, humorous, encouraging, educational, joyfully reflective, or only mildly self-deprecating/ironic stories. No woe-is-me posts, no whining about first world problems, no rants, no vague attention-seeking posts. To be totally honest, I'm often vastly entertained by those types of posts on others' pages (in the way you're entertained by awkward public arguments in restaurants and train wrecks). I support everyone interpreting their lives the way they choose to (even if I surreptitiously block some of them from my news feed to avoid some of those things) and this isn't a rant on Facebook etiquette in general. It's more about my personal choice. I've definitely been in the mood to break my personal motto for FB in the last year, because I've had moments where I wanted to whine, and wanted to rant, and wanted to post vague attention-seeking posts so people would sympathize. I even slipped a few times.

It's been a rough year for me. Let me put that in context . . . in my 30 years of living and breathing in a privileged life with, currently, a steady job, excellent insurance, a comfy apartment, plenty of food, continued overall health, books/internet/Netflix, family and friends . . . it's been a rough year. My job has consumed more of my time and energy than I ever considered it would. I've become useless at remembering things that aren't work related. I barely have the energy by the end of the day/week to make time for friends. Some very valued friends have fallen completely by the wayside for me. I've started collapsing in bed instead of exercising. I've ignored my hobbies and passions. I've spent less time with family to avoid any possible drama/commitment that often comes with families. I've been spending less time relationship-building in general, because my introverted self just doesn't have the energy most days to be around people.

In short, I've been drifting, aimless, and often sad.

And so I've been quiet, because deep down I've always believed that when it comes to sharing to the world (outside of trusted friends and family), you should stick to the motto "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Everyone has struggles. Mine are small in the context of the real struggles of the world. You have only to watch the news to put your struggles in perspective. My struggles are small, but they are real to me.

So, maybe a rant would help? Maybe a mopey blog that talks about how rough I think my life has been and requesting sympathy and suggestions? Or, I could say something nice. Thanksgiving is next week . . .

I'm thankful for The National band album I'm currently listening to, which gives me something slightly moody and ethereal to reflect and write to.

I'm thankful for my nieces, nephew, and the honorary nephews and honorary nieces/nephews that are growing healthy and strong. I'm thankful for how they remind me that time goes by quickly, and you have to get in all the hugs and love that you can before they become too cool for geeky Auntie Dacia.

I'm thankful for friends who are equally, if not more, geeky than me and who embrace all that with me. And I'm thankful for my friends who I sometimes have only a few core things in common with except that we love each other in spite of/because of our differences and mutual respect. I'm thankful for Friendsgiving with some of those friends.

I'm thankful that I was instilled with a deep obsession with books from an early age, because I will never be lonely or bored with all the thousands of stories out there in the world. There is always another adventure to embark on and another perspective to learn from.

I'm thankful for a church where I can be imperfect. I'm grateful to be a part of something flawed, beautiful, and honest. I'm thankful that my mind is still open and unformed enough to change and learn and take on new perspectives. I'm glad I'm not jaded quite yet.

I'm thankful for a digital journal, so I could get out the whiny, ranting, self-pitying thoughts out without subjecting anyone else to them.

I'm thankful for a family that loves me unconditionally. For a mother who still calls me by endearing childhood nicknames, calls enough so I know I'm loved but never smothers, and who gives me an example of how to have adventures, be goofy, and still be an introvert. For a step-dad who gives car advice, life advice, a sense of humor and adores my mom. For aunts and uncles that are close enough to parents that I just feel too blessed for words. For a grandma who prays for me every day and is such a humbling example of living a faithful life. For the memory of a grandpa that instills a sense of working hard, never giving up, and sticking up for those that can't stick up for themselves. For a brother, sister-in-law and two sweet nieces who are finally close enough for me to get a regular fix and a chance to reconnect. And for step-sisters who always include me when I visit and consider me an auntie to their kiddos. I'm so thankful for all of you.

I'm thankful for wonderful co-workers who make me laugh, talk me down from the crazy days, and are teaching me daily how to be better at my job. I'm blessed to work in a place where the mission is to demonstrate the healing ministry of Christ. I don't always succeed at the mission every day, but I do try, and the daily effort and struggle make me a better person.

I'm thankful that I worship a living God that knows all these struggles and joys and never leaves me, even when I'm apathetic, depressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, selfish, petty, and distant. I'm thankful that this same Savior takes me outside of myself when I'm at my worst and shows me all that I'm blessed with. I'm thankful to be told I'm not the center of the universe. And at the same time, I'm thankful to know that I am adored, utterly and completely, by this same Savior.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. It's been a rough year, but I am thankful.

The Worst Thing?

Have you ever absently thought to yourself “Ugh, that’s the worst thing ever” over something fairly trivial?

For instance, yesterday I was snacking on a mandarin orange. I laboriously pulled off the stubborn peel and remarked inwardly that it was a pain. Then after all that work, I bit into the first piece and crunched down on a seed. End of the world. I hate seeds in mandarin oranges. I muttered darkly under my breath and began to fish the pesky seeds out. I even said, with exasperation, “Seeds in mandarins are the worst thing ever.” It only took me about two minutes of eating delicious, fragrant sections of mandarin to realize what a monumentally stupid thing I’d just said.

In some parts of the world, I imagine that people would fight over even the seeds of the mandarin. They’d probably eat the peel as well. I see those pictures of starving children and I know the worst things in my life wouldn’t even register on the scale of what they deal with every day. I have disappointments in my life; frustration, pain, sadness, concerns, etc. But I have an overabundance of blessings in my life as well.

I have never missed a meal because there was no food available. If I get hungry, I can walk across the street to the fancy grocery store and buy almost any food I can imagine. If I’m too lazy to walk, there is plenty of food to sustain me in my pantry and fridge. If I got sick in any way, there are two Urgent Care/Clinic’s just across the street. If I had an emergency, I could get to a hospital in about 5 minutes. I live in a beautiful apartment, with hot water readily available, a washer/dryer to clean my clothes, and a closet overfull of garments to choose from. I have a sturdy lock on my door and security that drives around the complex at night. I never have to fear for my safety. I have my own car to transport myself places. I have a very secure job that enables me to provide for myself. I have a loving family that checks in with me on a very regular basis. I have wonderful friends that love and support me. I have a church family that welcomes and includes me. I have a God who never, ever leaves me.

I have everything.

Our thoughts are powerful things. They have the ability to control our emotions and outlook on life. All too often, I allow my thoughts to lead me to a place of pettiness and discontent. I allow greed, jealousy, and apathy to take over.

I don’t want to be that person, and I believe we can find the strength to control our thoughts. I believe in a God who can help me to focus on the blessings in my life.

So during the holidays this year, I’m going to challenge myself to focus on the good and let it outweigh any negative. If we find ourselves focusing on the gift we didn’t get, the family crisis we’re in the middle of, the exhaustion of all the events, the shrinking bank account, the loneliness and the frustrations, how will we have time to focus on all the beauty and joy in life?

The Ebb and the Flow

Have you ever stood on the beach, with your bare feet planted in the water? The waves rush toward you, and then inexorably pull back away, while you stay put, watching the movement going on around you. You can feel the sand giving way underneath the sides of your feet, feel the water streaming away from your toes. Sometimes my life feels like that, the ebb and the flow. Sometimes life rushes at me, overwhelming me with all the beauty and intensity that it brings. And then there are times when I stand planted, and life rushes back past me. I see life taking place around me, but I'm rooted in one spot.

Have you ever been stuck in a rut before? You're living life and maybe even living it well, but you aren't living it deeply and bravely. You don't even realize that you're in a rut until something wakes you up and throws you off track. All it takes is a moment, a song, an experience, a conversation, a feeling, a prayer, a breaking point, a realization that you've been a little adrift . . . and a little fragile. Suddenly the patterns in your life seem small. You can't just fall back into the routine, because now you're awake and aware of yourself again.

I've had this awakening experience over and over in my life. I'm a creature of habit. I find a comfort zone and nestle into it, patting myself on the back for navigating the rough waters of life so safely. But I don't look back on the drifting moments of my life with clarity. I remember the times when I woke up and lived my life; scary, complicated, glorious, ugly, frustrating, intense, loving, beautiful, and frenetic. Some of the best moments of my life were also nerve-wracking and complicated . . . but I lived them.

God doesn't want me to live a lukewarm, safe, complacent life. He doesn't want me to stand in the waves of life and let experiences rush past me. I believe that He wants me to trust Him and leap. This isn't the first time He's had to wake me up and tell me so, and I imagine it won't be the last. Life can be an incredibly beautiful adventure when God is at your side.