Let me put my face on

These thoughts have been nudging at me of late and I've been shushing them, as I don't want to sound self-righteous and/or indignant on the topic. But here they are, stilted and graceless as are all thoughts that escape the warm, safe confines of the mind and end up stark on the page.

Have you ever spent time thinking of the oddity of getting up every morning and painting on a new face? You look in the mirror and all you see are the flaws. Dark circles under my eyes, uneven skin with too much red in it, invisible lashes, thin brows, lines on my forehead, a blemish here or there. So, you pull out your arsenal; foundation, concealer, powder, blush, bronzer, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, brow pencil, lipstick, lip gloss, etc. I know I'm missing a number of weapons, because I just don't use them (that torture device called a lash curler comes to mind). To be honest, I only own about 3 of the above.

I was raised by a mother who didn't wear much makeup. And while I did occasionally attempt to use it on the sly, I didn't have visions of someday being old enough to finally wear makeup. It always seemed like a lot of work and, frankly, a bit disingenuous. Nobody really believes that my eyelids have a slight natural shimmer to them or that my lips could ever be bright with gloss on their own. My face is not a canvas.

I wonder why it is that as women, we get up every day and put on a face. For some of us, it's a quick swipe under the eye with concealer to mask the dark circles and maybe a layer of mascara on Sabbath (yes, for some reason in my mind, it's more respectful to Jesus if I wear a little extra makeup on His holy day; I even wear my Dr. Pepper chapstick). For others of us, it's a slow, layer by layer process of fixing every perceived flaw until our mask is firmly in place and we're ready to face the day. Our skin is encased in a layer of concealment, shimmer, smoky mystery, and dewy perfection. And frankly, we're worth it . . . everyone says so. Celebrities are nabbed in photos, gasp, "makeup free!!" as though they ran through the streets naked. And they may as well be, because their features are unrecognizable and transformed. Their lips are less pouty, their eyes smaller, their cheekbones less defined. They look . . . human.

I don't know when it became such a tragedy to look like yourself. I know a huge group of people who do it every day. They're called men. Perhaps I'm sheltered, but I don't know a single guy who wears makeup, and the world is full of attractive men.They don't need perfectly even skin, mysterious smoky eyes, pouty lips, or gently blushing cheeks to look their best. They wake up, roll out of bed, shower, hopefully throw on some deodorant, shave, maybe throw some product in their hair, and bam . . . reasonably attractive guy emerges. What you see is what you get, no surprises after they wash their face.

I just recently turned 31 and I feel the pressure to put on a bit more of the mask. The commercials predict dire warnings of fine lines and wrinkles . . . oh the horror! I wouldn't want anyone to have to see that. The part that I have a hard time with is, it's really not fooling anyone. The more layers you put on, the more obvious the layers are. The more perfect the mask, the more obvious it is.

My face may not be perfect, but it's the only one I have. That's not to say that come Monday morning I might not put on a little concealer . . . old habits die hard after all. But I hope to continue fighting the impulse to put on another face. This is the one God gave me, after all, so He must be somewhat fond of it as it is.



*Disclaimer: to all my beautiful, intelligent, funny, irrepressible, creative, girly, tomboy female friends on there who wear/love/endure/avoid/enjoy makeup, this post should be seen in no way as an judgy post.  I think you're all splendid, whether you wear no makeup or go out every day with blue mascara and sparkly lip gloss. I just wanted to spend a few minutes thinking about the "why":)

If you can't say something nice . . .

I haven't blogged in awhile. That's not to say I haven't been writing for myself, just that I haven't been sharing. There's been a lot going on for me in the past year, but nothing that I wanted to, or could, share outside of my own internal reflection.

I've been relatively quiet on social media as well. About a year and a half ago, I came up with my own personal motto for Facebook; if I wanted to post, it needed to be positive, humorous, encouraging, educational, joyfully reflective, or only mildly self-deprecating/ironic stories. No woe-is-me posts, no whining about first world problems, no rants, no vague attention-seeking posts. To be totally honest, I'm often vastly entertained by those types of posts on others' pages (in the way you're entertained by awkward public arguments in restaurants and train wrecks). I support everyone interpreting their lives the way they choose to (even if I surreptitiously block some of them from my news feed to avoid some of those things) and this isn't a rant on Facebook etiquette in general. It's more about my personal choice. I've definitely been in the mood to break my personal motto for FB in the last year, because I've had moments where I wanted to whine, and wanted to rant, and wanted to post vague attention-seeking posts so people would sympathize. I even slipped a few times.

It's been a rough year for me. Let me put that in context . . . in my 30 years of living and breathing in a privileged life with, currently, a steady job, excellent insurance, a comfy apartment, plenty of food, continued overall health, books/internet/Netflix, family and friends . . . it's been a rough year. My job has consumed more of my time and energy than I ever considered it would. I've become useless at remembering things that aren't work related. I barely have the energy by the end of the day/week to make time for friends. Some very valued friends have fallen completely by the wayside for me. I've started collapsing in bed instead of exercising. I've ignored my hobbies and passions. I've spent less time with family to avoid any possible drama/commitment that often comes with families. I've been spending less time relationship-building in general, because my introverted self just doesn't have the energy most days to be around people.

In short, I've been drifting, aimless, and often sad.

And so I've been quiet, because deep down I've always believed that when it comes to sharing to the world (outside of trusted friends and family), you should stick to the motto "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Everyone has struggles. Mine are small in the context of the real struggles of the world. You have only to watch the news to put your struggles in perspective. My struggles are small, but they are real to me.

So, maybe a rant would help? Maybe a mopey blog that talks about how rough I think my life has been and requesting sympathy and suggestions? Or, I could say something nice. Thanksgiving is next week . . .

I'm thankful for The National band album I'm currently listening to, which gives me something slightly moody and ethereal to reflect and write to.

I'm thankful for my nieces, nephew, and the honorary nephews and honorary nieces/nephews that are growing healthy and strong. I'm thankful for how they remind me that time goes by quickly, and you have to get in all the hugs and love that you can before they become too cool for geeky Auntie Dacia.

I'm thankful for friends who are equally, if not more, geeky than me and who embrace all that with me. And I'm thankful for my friends who I sometimes have only a few core things in common with except that we love each other in spite of/because of our differences and mutual respect. I'm thankful for Friendsgiving with some of those friends.

I'm thankful that I was instilled with a deep obsession with books from an early age, because I will never be lonely or bored with all the thousands of stories out there in the world. There is always another adventure to embark on and another perspective to learn from.

I'm thankful for a church where I can be imperfect. I'm grateful to be a part of something flawed, beautiful, and honest. I'm thankful that my mind is still open and unformed enough to change and learn and take on new perspectives. I'm glad I'm not jaded quite yet.

I'm thankful for a digital journal, so I could get out the whiny, ranting, self-pitying thoughts out without subjecting anyone else to them.

I'm thankful for a family that loves me unconditionally. For a mother who still calls me by endearing childhood nicknames, calls enough so I know I'm loved but never smothers, and who gives me an example of how to have adventures, be goofy, and still be an introvert. For a step-dad who gives car advice, life advice, a sense of humor and adores my mom. For aunts and uncles that are close enough to parents that I just feel too blessed for words. For a grandma who prays for me every day and is such a humbling example of living a faithful life. For the memory of a grandpa that instills a sense of working hard, never giving up, and sticking up for those that can't stick up for themselves. For a brother, sister-in-law and two sweet nieces who are finally close enough for me to get a regular fix and a chance to reconnect. And for step-sisters who always include me when I visit and consider me an auntie to their kiddos. I'm so thankful for all of you.

I'm thankful for wonderful co-workers who make me laugh, talk me down from the crazy days, and are teaching me daily how to be better at my job. I'm blessed to work in a place where the mission is to demonstrate the healing ministry of Christ. I don't always succeed at the mission every day, but I do try, and the daily effort and struggle make me a better person.

I'm thankful that I worship a living God that knows all these struggles and joys and never leaves me, even when I'm apathetic, depressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, selfish, petty, and distant. I'm thankful that this same Savior takes me outside of myself when I'm at my worst and shows me all that I'm blessed with. I'm thankful to be told I'm not the center of the universe. And at the same time, I'm thankful to know that I am adored, utterly and completely, by this same Savior.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. It's been a rough year, but I am thankful.