If you can't say something nice . . .

I haven't blogged in awhile. That's not to say I haven't been writing for myself, just that I haven't been sharing. There's been a lot going on for me in the past year, but nothing that I wanted to, or could, share outside of my own internal reflection.

I've been relatively quiet on social media as well. About a year and a half ago, I came up with my own personal motto for Facebook; if I wanted to post, it needed to be positive, humorous, encouraging, educational, joyfully reflective, or only mildly self-deprecating/ironic stories. No woe-is-me posts, no whining about first world problems, no rants, no vague attention-seeking posts. To be totally honest, I'm often vastly entertained by those types of posts on others' pages (in the way you're entertained by awkward public arguments in restaurants and train wrecks). I support everyone interpreting their lives the way they choose to (even if I surreptitiously block some of them from my news feed to avoid some of those things) and this isn't a rant on Facebook etiquette in general. It's more about my personal choice. I've definitely been in the mood to break my personal motto for FB in the last year, because I've had moments where I wanted to whine, and wanted to rant, and wanted to post vague attention-seeking posts so people would sympathize. I even slipped a few times.

It's been a rough year for me. Let me put that in context . . . in my 30 years of living and breathing in a privileged life with, currently, a steady job, excellent insurance, a comfy apartment, plenty of food, continued overall health, books/internet/Netflix, family and friends . . . it's been a rough year. My job has consumed more of my time and energy than I ever considered it would. I've become useless at remembering things that aren't work related. I barely have the energy by the end of the day/week to make time for friends. Some very valued friends have fallen completely by the wayside for me. I've started collapsing in bed instead of exercising. I've ignored my hobbies and passions. I've spent less time with family to avoid any possible drama/commitment that often comes with families. I've been spending less time relationship-building in general, because my introverted self just doesn't have the energy most days to be around people.

In short, I've been drifting, aimless, and often sad.

And so I've been quiet, because deep down I've always believed that when it comes to sharing to the world (outside of trusted friends and family), you should stick to the motto "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Everyone has struggles. Mine are small in the context of the real struggles of the world. You have only to watch the news to put your struggles in perspective. My struggles are small, but they are real to me.

So, maybe a rant would help? Maybe a mopey blog that talks about how rough I think my life has been and requesting sympathy and suggestions? Or, I could say something nice. Thanksgiving is next week . . .

I'm thankful for The National band album I'm currently listening to, which gives me something slightly moody and ethereal to reflect and write to.

I'm thankful for my nieces, nephew, and the honorary nephews and honorary nieces/nephews that are growing healthy and strong. I'm thankful for how they remind me that time goes by quickly, and you have to get in all the hugs and love that you can before they become too cool for geeky Auntie Dacia.

I'm thankful for friends who are equally, if not more, geeky than me and who embrace all that with me. And I'm thankful for my friends who I sometimes have only a few core things in common with except that we love each other in spite of/because of our differences and mutual respect. I'm thankful for Friendsgiving with some of those friends.

I'm thankful that I was instilled with a deep obsession with books from an early age, because I will never be lonely or bored with all the thousands of stories out there in the world. There is always another adventure to embark on and another perspective to learn from.

I'm thankful for a church where I can be imperfect. I'm grateful to be a part of something flawed, beautiful, and honest. I'm thankful that my mind is still open and unformed enough to change and learn and take on new perspectives. I'm glad I'm not jaded quite yet.

I'm thankful for a digital journal, so I could get out the whiny, ranting, self-pitying thoughts out without subjecting anyone else to them.

I'm thankful for a family that loves me unconditionally. For a mother who still calls me by endearing childhood nicknames, calls enough so I know I'm loved but never smothers, and who gives me an example of how to have adventures, be goofy, and still be an introvert. For a step-dad who gives car advice, life advice, a sense of humor and adores my mom. For aunts and uncles that are close enough to parents that I just feel too blessed for words. For a grandma who prays for me every day and is such a humbling example of living a faithful life. For the memory of a grandpa that instills a sense of working hard, never giving up, and sticking up for those that can't stick up for themselves. For a brother, sister-in-law and two sweet nieces who are finally close enough for me to get a regular fix and a chance to reconnect. And for step-sisters who always include me when I visit and consider me an auntie to their kiddos. I'm so thankful for all of you.

I'm thankful for wonderful co-workers who make me laugh, talk me down from the crazy days, and are teaching me daily how to be better at my job. I'm blessed to work in a place where the mission is to demonstrate the healing ministry of Christ. I don't always succeed at the mission every day, but I do try, and the daily effort and struggle make me a better person.

I'm thankful that I worship a living God that knows all these struggles and joys and never leaves me, even when I'm apathetic, depressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, selfish, petty, and distant. I'm thankful that this same Savior takes me outside of myself when I'm at my worst and shows me all that I'm blessed with. I'm thankful to be told I'm not the center of the universe. And at the same time, I'm thankful to know that I am adored, utterly and completely, by this same Savior.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. It's been a rough year, but I am thankful.

On how I conquered my vast and overwhelming fear of babies

I have always been terrified of babies.


Yes, babies.


Those sweet, adorable, cuddly, perfect, innocent darlings that no creature with even a tinge of human emotion could resist.


They terrified me.


It's not that I thought they were dangerous or evil, not at all. It's mostly that they're so . . . squishy. And breakable. And they cry a lot. And they're breakable. Like, really breakable. Like, you hold them the wrong way without supporting their little heads and they could die breakable. Like, you could bounce them on your hip too hard and hurt their brains, breakable. Who can handle that kind of pressure???? Not me. So up until approximately 9 months ago, I avoided holding babies. 


It wasn't too difficult to avoid. I didn't do any babysitting of infants growing up. I was little enough when my cousins were babies to have avoided most of the responsibilities of caring for them. We didn't have a lot of family friends with babies. And then there was the simple fact that whenever I held a baby (that some ridiculously careless parent just placed willy-nilly in my unsuspecting, untrained arms) it burst into tears of outraged confusion at this obvious show of parental neglect. Without fail. Every single time I held an infant, it recognized in me an obvious inability to protect it and began to wail. So yes, I became a little gun-shy when it came to holding babies. I literally went out of my way to avoid it.


So when I found out that I was going to be an aunt, mingled in with the overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement was this tiny little portion of my brain screaming "You're unworthy!!! You have no training!! You're not responsible enough to even hold a baby, much less be an aunt!!" Not helpful.


But there I was, a few months later with not one, but TWO little babies in my life. That's right, twins:) I couldn't get over the fact that there were two of them. The concept of twins had never been such an astonishing phenomenon to me before, but when faced with the reality, my mind seemed unable to take it in. Two babies. Two little girls nonetheless. Terrifying . . .


Kate Audrey and Ava Kay. Arguably two of my favorite little people in the universe. I will never forget the first time I held them. It just so happened that Ava was the first (Kate was having a snack at the time). I remember being overwhelmed with pure terror that I would hold her wrong, or drop her, and yet wanting to hold her so much I could hardly wait another second. And then there she was, quiet, staring, tiny (they were preemies) and beautiful. I loved her right away and it was the same with Kate. And even though I was nervous, I wasn't scared. It turns out, when you love someone that much, the panic goes away. 

Kate and Ava don't know it yet, but they've given me a gift. Well, besides the gift of just being themselves and filling me with love and pride in pretty much every thing they do. I mean seriously, they're pretty much the most adorable twins ever born into this world:)

Seriously. Ridiculously cute.

The gift they've given me is that I'm no longer terrified of babies. Babies are still breakable and they still cry. It's still a lot of responsibility to hold one. But I love my nieces and would do anything for them. And most importantly, I love them too much to be scared of them:) Blessedly, this has translated over to other babies (which is a relief, since I think there's something in the water, babies are cropping up everywhere)! I can now hold Koen and Sophie with complete and utter enjoyment. I'm anticipating the arrival of people's babies (Melissa (girl!), Gena (waiting!) and Shannon (girl!)). 

Basically, I've caught on to what everyone else already knew. Babies are a blessing and a gift. Always.

p.s. I am still on the fence about wanting to raise one of my own, however. But that is an entirely separate blog:)