So, yet another blog about why I haven’t been blogging. Have you all been sensing a theme? If I was a regular reader of this blog, I’d say, “Ugh, this chick is inconsistent!” True that. But hey, at least I’m consistently inconsistent, right?;)
The character sketches have fallen a bit by the wayside, although I have 3 that are semi-in-progress. It can be hard to write about people who are important to you in a way that doesn’t embarrass them.
I also haven’t updated the masses on my online dating experiences because I have discovered a powerful truth. However bad I am at normal dating, I am exponentially worse at online dating. It’s a slow slog and I’ve already become impatient with it. I’ve got a bit of a countdown in my head. “5 more months and I can end these year-long subscriptions. Do you hear that, Lord? In 5 months I’m taking myself off these websites and if you want me to have companionship, you’ll have to shove him bodily in front of me. Onward and upward!”
But the final and most important reason that I’m not consistently blogging is because I’m continuing a journey that I started back in 2009. It was just an idea in my head. I wanted to read a book on a particular subject, spiritual warfare. But I wanted to read a very particular type of book. I wanted to read about angels, but not silly stereotype angels or the angels that are rampant in recent books (as romantic characters with burly chests falling in love with some mortal woman, ugh). I wanted to read a book that told a real story, a story of the battle, of the civil war. A story of what the situation could currently look like.
But I couldn’t find anything. I picked up book after book and nothing fit. I couldn’t find a book that fit with the fledgling story in my head. So I started to write one.
This was new for me. I did quite a bit of writing, but it was mostly journaling. A few short stories, but nothing that anyone ever read. I’d never attempted a project of this scope before. It was fascinating, exhilarating, and utterly exhausting. I’m the type of person that can become very fixated on something I’m excited about. And when I’m excited about a story, it takes over my thoughts, both waking and sleeping. For months, I lived and breathed this story. I wrote upwards of 50k words and there was so much more to the story. I shared it with a close friend and we obsessed over plot details, character names, and just the general fun of world-building. It was a good solid 6+ months of obsession.
And then I hit a wall. Not quite writer’s block, I guess I’d call it a wall of un-motivation. I got tired of writing and thinking of nothing else. I got more involved in other areas of my life (church, friends) and decided to put it aside for a bit. Give myself time to let it simmer.
Every so often, over the years, I’ve picked up the story and tried to dive back in. I’ve written a few pages and done some brain-storming. I even downloaded a fantastic writing software, Scrivener, and semi-organized it. But I could never immerse myself as I’d done before. The story was still interesting to me, but my motivation was nil.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about achieving personal goals and dreams. It struck me during the conversation that a passion in my life has always been to someday publish a book. Even if it ended up just being a self-published book that only my friends and family ever read. Books are such a huge part of my life, I’d always wanted to find a way to tell a story of my own. So I decided it was time to dive back in, really and truly.
I spent several days just re-reading the whole manuscript. It took some time. Things that I’d written 4 years ago that had, at the time, seemed great, didn’t work at all. I discovered some reasons why I’d gotten lost before. I then spent a few weeks just organizing the story. Plotting, writing chapter summaries, developing my characters, researching, and fleshing out the story. And then, this past weekend, I started writing again. A good solid 6 hours of just writing, with another few just spent plotting and pondering.
It is consuming again. When I’m not at work, I’m thinking about the story. When I’m trying to sleep, I keep coming up with bits of dialogue or interesting scenes, which I then of course must write down. And when I finally fall asleep, I dream of the story.
I’m not sure if there’s another way of going through this process. I suppose the question to my creative friends out there is; is this normal?
Normal or not, for now this seems to be my process and this time I’m determined to complete the story. It’s the first one, so it may not be successful beyond people who love and support me. But I can say to myself that I did it. And, ultimately, it’s important to pursue your passions, even if they never amount to more than personal satisfaction of finishing a journey.
