Breathless Anticipation

I'm not entirely sure if this is a wide-spread problem, but I'm going to assume it is. I can at least say for myself, with certainty, that I anticipate things too much. I want things, hope for things, look forward to things with almost painful intensity. It can be something as small as lunch or as random as a new book. Sometimes it involves another person, and sometimes it's an event. 


But almost without fail, if there's something that I'm intensely anticipating, it crushes me when it doesn't happen. The small things not so much, just enough to throw off the day. But those larger disappointments can feel like a hole punched in my chest, like a weight sinking down on me. I was wanting it so much, hoping for it so much, imagining how amazing it could be . . . and then suddenly it's over, done, didn't happen. 


I consider myself, for the most part, a fairly practical, rational person, but in this one particular area of life, I can't seem to control the way that disappointment hits me. I tell myself that I shouldn't look forward to things so much, or want certain things so much. I have this little conversation in my head "Don't set your heart on this, Dacia. Because if you do, and it doesn't happen, think how bummed you'll be." And every time, I ignore that little voice. How do you go through life without hoping for something? I don't think I want to be the sort of person that hopes and expects nothing, simply so they don't have to deal with disappointment. A happy medium, though, would be a good place to find.


Today in church our pastor gave a really thoughtful sermon, and it gave me pause. He talked about how much God offers us; how He gives us love, forgiveness, grace, and eternal life. And then he asked us, what do we give God in return? Like any relationship, both sides have to give for it to flourish. How crushing must His despair be when we don't reciprocate His love? And knowing how disappointment makes me feel, can I really choose to turn away from His love? I hope I don't.