The good and the bad

I have a lot in life to be grateful for. Mostly the people in my life. I have a wonderful family that loves and supports me. I also have fantastic friends. Some people I've known for ages and some I've been blessed with just in the past few years. Most of my family and almost all of my friends are walking on a different path than I am. With just a few exceptions, my family and close friends are all married. And as the years go by, the people in my life are expanding their families, having beautiful children. They're growing, changing, evolving. I can honestly say that I rejoice in their happiness in marriage, I find immense joy in pregnancy announcements, and feel the glow of love when I hold those children for the first time and every time I'm involved in between.

But I'm on a different path.

I spend a lot of time with married people and married people who are parents. Some of these people are the most significant people in my life and I love them dearly. I understand that being married is hard and being a parent is HARD. I'm not on that path, but I can recognize without difficulty that it is a hard yet worthwhile choice to take and I have nothing but respect and admiration for that journey.

But I'm on a different path. And it's not entirely of my choosing. I didn't find "the one" at college and get married. I also haven't met him in subsequent years. If he's out there, our paths haven't crossed. So instead, I'm single. And there are some things about being single that are really, really easy. But for every easy thing about being single, there is often an accompanying challenge.

Good: I am in charge of my life. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I answer to no one. If I want to stay up till 1 a.m. watching Doctor Who, it's not going to bother anyone. If I want to go out to dinner after work, I go. If I feel like driving to a store across town to go shopping, I go. If I decide I want to move, no negotiating need take place. If I decide to drive to the ocean, I don't have to plan or consult, I just go.

Bad: I answer to no one. When I come home late at the end of a long day, no one is there with the lights already on, asking me why I'm so cranky. When I have a big life decision to make, I have to make it on my own, no hand to hold while I take the plunge. No one checks in with me from day to day. I'm pretty introverted, which means I can go all week without ever communicating with people outside of work.  I am no one's first priority but my own.

Good: I get to spend a lot of time focusing on myself. I have time to reflect on my life, my decisions, my interests, my goals, and my spiritual life. I'm naturally fairly introspective, so living alone enables me to ponder the things I'm interested in and focus on what's important to me.

Bad: Spending that much time in your own head can lead to a host of doubts and insecurities. And when you only really have yourself to think about, you can eventually start to feel like you're the center of the world. In short, when you spend a lot of time on your own, it's easy to become selfish and self-absorbed. You don't need to put anyone's needs ahead of your own. You don't have to make sacrifices. That may sound like a good thing, right? But the choices and sacrifices we make for the good of those we love is a beautiful thing. It shapes you and refines you into a better person. When you're alone, there are less opportunities to give of yourself and contribute to the happiness of another person.

Good: I have no responsibilities but myself. I don't even have a pet. Once I pay my bills, my money is mine to spend on whatever I choose. I can buy myself fun things, splurge occasionally, go to movies, save for what I want. I have a stable job and can support myself. If I don't feel like doing a task, I can put it off and no one will nag at me.

Bad: There is just me. If I got hurt or lost my job, there is no backup, no support. Okay, that's a bit dramatic, I do have family that would help out. But there's a difference between crashing at your parents house and knowing that another person has your back if everything goes bottoms up. And there are lots of little things. I do all my chores. I take care of all my bills and budgeting. I handle my car issues. I clean my own tub and toilet. I do my own laundry. I kill my own bugs. I find a way to wrestle that jar open without casually handing it off to someone stronger. I cook, but sometimes it's just too much bother for one person. Sometimes I put these things off, but eventually, I do them all, because there's no one else around to pitch in.

Good: I love being alone. I crave time by myself just like some people crave the excitement of a crowd. I can spend all Sunday morning reading. I can take a 2 hour nap. I can go chill at a coffee shop for three hours and journal. I can go for a long walk, listening to my favorite music, and get lost in my thoughts. I don't have to worry about distractions. My time is my own.

Bad: There can definitely be too much of a good thing. I get in a rut of alone time. Even an introvert can crave the connection of time with others and I do. Some evenings I run through a list in my head of all the people I know, wondering if they're busy and would want to get dinner or a movie or just go for a walk. Sometimes I wake up Sunday mornings and want to have breakfast with someone. I savor the hugs I get at church, because that may be the only physical contact I have all week. My time is my own, because I have no one to share it with.

Good: When you're single, you don't have to worry about heartbreak from your spouse. There are no arguments about money, no frustrations over daily irritations and annoyances, no blowups over major life decisions. There are no misunderstandings and hurts. You do not have to deal with growing away from the person you love most.

When you're single, you don't have to deal with the extreme and constant exhaustion of parenthood. No one is daily invading your personal space. You don't have the incessant worry and pressure over the responsibility of this precious child that you've been entrusted with to raise and nurture. You don't have to worry about losing them. You don't have to deal with judgment from other parents and people who don't understand but have opinions nonetheless. There isn't constant noise and crankiness.

Bad: When you're single, you don't have someone who's on your side. You don't have someone to encourage you, to push you, to love you and challenge you. There isn't that one special person you share everything with. You live your life, but you don't share it. No one ever learns the way you take your coffee or gets up early to scrape snow off your car. People may love you, but you are no one's favorite person.
When you aren't a parent, you don't have a love that is all-encompassing and all-consuming from their first breath. You don't look in a face that has echoes of you all over it. You don't get sticky kisses and full body hugs. You don't have a future of "I love you's" and "mommy's" to look forward to. You don't have the warm glow of knowing that some small part of you will live on after you're gone.

I often feel very fortunate that I'm so well-equipped for a single life. I am generally happy in my own company and I know many people aren't. But it wouldn't be my first choice. If it's the plan God has for my life, then I can and will continue to find the joy in it. I know beyond a doubt that I would rather have a contented single life than an unhappy or unsatisfied married life. 

I suppose I just want to point out that we should never judge the path of another. We should never assume that someone has it better or easier than us. Life is hard enough without comparing our life to someone else's.

To all my married friends and to all my friends who are parents; I respect you and the journey you're taking. It's not easy, but I know it's worthwhile. I'm fortunate to have a part in your lives and blessed by all the richness of each experience with you.

To my single friends; for many of us, this isn't our first choice, but that doesn't mean we don't have a lot to contribute. There are many blessings to be had on this path, and while it might not always seem that way, there's a lot of beauty on this journey as well.