Some people can't be alone. They thrive on the presence of others, the interaction with people. They crave daily connection. Without the near constant closeness of other people, they become depressed and horribly lonely.
I am not one of those people.
Over the past 4 years, I've slowly realized that I crave solitude. After going through a period of time where I did very little to nurture myself, I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming need to burrow inward and become reacquainted with myself. What developed over the 4 years was about 2 years of soul-searching and a realization of a lot of flaws. A lot of flaws. I spent much of my time in a personal daze, going over my mistakes and the things about myself that I didn't like. When you spend most of your time by yourself, you find plenty of things that could use improvement. Of course, all of this self-reflection could have ended in poor self-esteem and depression . . . and it was leaning that way for awhile.
But then, at a certain point, I realized that I could change. I was not stuck being the person that I'd become. My flaws were not permanent. I could change. Not everything of course, no one is perfect and chasing perfection is ridiculous. But I could improve. I could become a better, happier person. A stronger person.
So, for the past two years, I've made a lot of changes. I wanted to be healthier. I wanted to find a place that felt like home. I wanted to become a better friend. I wanted to become a kinder, more compassionate person. I wanted to seek an honest relationship with God. I wanted to become the sort of person that the right someone could fall in love with someday. I wanted to seek out genuine people and be more genuine myself. I wanted to find adventure in my life.
As far as goals go, these are all pretty ambitious. I've made leaps and bounds in improving some, and struggled desperately with others. But throughout it all, my greatest tool and greatest weakness has been the solitude.
Solitude is a strength and a crutch. If you know yourself well, you are stronger and more capable of handling the pressures of life. But if you isolate yourself from others in an attempt at self-preservation, you can't grow. It is a fine line, and one I find myself struggling with lately. The calmest points in my life are when I am alone; it's how I recharge and center myself. But we were not created to spend all of our time alone. Even the most solitary of individuals craves connection with others. I'm certainly no exception and there are many times that the solitude becomes more of a burden than a reprieve. I'm not complaining; being alone has brought me to a better place in my life than I've been in a long time.
I suppose tonight I'm wondering about other perspectives on solitude. I'm wondering if my friends/family who read my blog have any insight on the part that solitude has played in their lives. Or maybe tonight I'm simply seeking connection.
Dacia ~
ReplyDeleteI, too, am "fed" by solitude, but agree too much solitude is not a good thing ... for you, or your friends and loved ones. Here is one of my favorite quotes:
"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self." May Garton
I believe you have found the richness, my dear. Keep writing and sharing. I really enjoy your blog.
Have a wonderful Christmas season! Love, Lorene
Lorene,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, that quote gives me some good perspective. I definitely crave solitude at times, but loneliness is rarely a good thing. I appreciate your thoughts and your friendship!
Well, in my experience, I had to much of it before I was married, not enough of it afterwards. Not to mention after I had a kid.
ReplyDeleteI'm learning that the key for a family man, or woman, is planning that solitude. It doesn't just open up like it used to. Of course planned solitude can be good for single people to, as one is less likely to waste it on Facebook or some other distraction that happens to be at hand when he or she has a few moments alone.
I guess a balance is good, and that balance is different for different personalities, but I think that ultimately, any of us, if taking 100% solitude or 100% social interaction in our lives, would end up longing for the other. I think we need to be intentional about determining our own balances, or we're likely to end up with an imbalance.
I'm inspired by your story of realizing you could change. I've always believed that I could change but I'd never changed some of my greatest flaws, and eventually that belief began to erode. I think it's the oncoming fear that I can't change that's finally inspiring me to figure out what it takes to change, rather than just expecting it to happen.
Those are my thoughts on the matter(s). Thank you for posting such a thoughtful and relevant blog--I think just about any of us can relate to this in some aspect.
Solitude. Alone time. I have always liked having my quiet alone time. I don't always want to do anything special I just want to be by myself. I like quiet as well. I think all those years teaching PE contributed to my need for solitude and quiet. My days were so filled with noise and movement that I really needed the opposite.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say that I have made good use of my time to think, reflect, soul search... sometimes I have. I do know that the decision to make a career change was formulated and realized during time spent alone wondering what became of my more adventuresome self, the one willing to step out on a limb. In solitude I decided it was time to find that part of me again.
I have the "luxury" of being able to whine about not having enough solitude because I share my life with Stan. Sought after solitude is different than those times when you are alone because that is your life right now. Learning to be ok with both of those places is part of maturing I guess.
I do enjoy reading your blogs Dacia. Your time of solitude has greatly enriched your life. Aunt Deb
It's interesting that you post this now. I have spent nearly this entire week in solitude and I admit that there was one evening (or maybe two?) that I began wallowing in loneliness.
ReplyDeleteI am a social person. I enjoy parties and hanging out with friends, and I am constantly looking for opportunities to host or attend get-togethers for games, food, coffee, or whatever.
Since coming to Portland/Vancouver I've spent more time alone than I ever have before in my life. Even when there were people in the same building or house I was, it wasn't the same as interacting with them. I wasn't always "with" them even though they were only a few feet away. But at least they were another warm breath in the room, and a reason to have more lights on in the house.
It's hard for me to enjoy being alone for more than a day or so. I'm so used to working with sanguine people and going home to a husband and now a toddler...so being alone is...strange.
I haven't decided how I feel about it yet...and haven't done anything productive with my time of solitude yet, either. That's my goal for next week.
Solitude has been a learned joy for me. I'm a social person. In college, it was really hard for me to not be around people all the time. If I was alone for too long, I could get down and lethargic. Now I find myself telling people that I just want to spend the evening hanging out at my house with my puppy. I've learned to love the freedom of solitude.
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