In which I diversify my online dating experience

The saga of online dating continues . . . although I decided to throw a monkey wrench in it this week. After a good conversation with a friend, I decided that eHarmony just hasn't been eventful enough for me yet. I need to diversify. If I'm going to try this experience for a year, why not kick it up a notch? So I joined Adventist Singles Connection.

Wow.

Just . . . wow.

I am a card-carrying member of the Adventist church. I went to an Adventist grade school, academy, and college. I know how to bake cottage cheese loaf. I even worked for the Oregon Conference for 4 years and worked at Camp Meeting. My only true failing as an Adventist  was never joining Pathfinders and disliking summer camp (I know, I know, please don't revoke my membership). I am part of the tribe.

But let's be real . . . our Adventist family is . . . diverse. Two people can call themselves Adventists and be on absolute opposite ends of the spectrum in almost every way. A lot of the men on this website gave off the distinct impression of being waaaaaaaay on the opposite end of Adventism than I am. But they are very, very eager to meet an Adventist girl. Any Adventist girl.

So, things did not go slowly on adventistsinglesconnection.com. Lord have mercy, the wolves descended. And the wolves were mostly 40-50 year old men who sent me jaunty-sounding pick up lines. Such confidence for guys who are 10-20 years older than me. Is this a thing now? I suppose, if I met someone really special and amazing who was 10 years older than me, I might ponder it. Carefully.

But my favorite so far was from a young man by the username of Jesuslvrboy. Red flag right there. He sent me a little card graphic that had a verse about a woman's hair being her crowning glory. Okaaaaay . . . slightly red flag as well. Then he sent me a little note that said "Hello, beautiful princess of God!!"

Okay, Jesuslvrboy, first off, I don't know how Jesus would feel about your casual exploitation of his name in your romantic life, but that's neither here nor there. However, I may have liked the idea of being a princess when I was 5, but I am now a grown woman, sometimes much to my chagrin. There's no need to talk down to me, just be cool man, be cool!

But hey, at least I'm hearing from people! And again, there are a few normal guys I'm hearing from, but those are the ones I don't want to throw under the proverbial bus.

Sorry Jesuslvrboy, but you are fair game.

Video Games & Speedo's . . . Oh My!

Well, I did promise to share the ongoing mysteries of online dating with the masses. Two weeks in, and at least the nervous flutter is gone. Online dating is the death of stomach butterflies. I’ve had some very odd matches so far. One fine young man listed his job title as “Bouncer at a Gentleman’s Club”. In his pictures, he is a very fit looking gentleman laying out on pool furniture in a speedo.

A speedo.

I feel that EHarmony may have received skewed test results from me somehow. In what universe would I ever be interested in a speedo wearing bouncer??

I digress.

I was also matched with a man who stated, right up front, that his favorite thing to do is play video games and he’s “not going to apologize”. I say “more power to you, man”. I support the right of a man to play video games all day long in his pj’s. I feel the same way about books. That being said, I have no interest in dating a guy whose favorite thing to do is play video games and I’m quite sure he wouldn’t want to date a girl who thinks that video games should be an occasional entertainment and not a religious fervor.

Another match of mine is a big, burly security guard who is holding either a gun or a cat in every single picture. I find this in equal parts terrifying and slightly endearing. He also does not smile in any of his pictures, which gives him a slight creeper vibe. I’m sure he’s lovely in person.

I hear that refrain over and over in my mind. “I’m sure he’s a nice guy once you get to know him”. Even the speedo wearing bouncer is probably nice. There is a slightly hysteric tinge in my inner voice as I remind myself that I'm sure they're all very nice.

I will end this post by saying that there are a few mostly normal guys that I've been matched with, but it's slow-going and, sadly, they're not as amusing to write about.

Thoughts on persecution . . . and a few opinions

I read an article today about persecution. In my mind, that word has always been synonymous with horrifying historical events, such as the persecution of Jews and then Christians in the Bible. I think of the Holocaust. I also think of slavery. I know there are countless other examples of persecution throughout history, but those just pop into my mind when I see the word. I’m sure it’s my upbringing that this springs from. I was raised on biblical stories of persecution. As an Adventist, I was raised to believe that the worst forms of persecution happened to believers and that someday, during the time of troubles, we’re due for more persecution because of our beliefs. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I’ve always been mentally braced for persecution, as though it was a foregone conclusion and I needed to prepare. Someday, someone is going to treat me horribly because of my faith. Wince. Brace. Prepare.

The article I read today was about persecution. But it wasn’t about Christians being persecuted. It was us doing the persecuting. We were the ones persecuting people because they are different, because they don't fit into our mold of what is "right".

I don’t like getting in the middle of social or theological debates. I have opinions. Sometimes they are even strong ones and if someone asks and genuinely wants to know my opinion, I will tell them. Maybe. But I am not of the mindset that my opinions are right. An opinion, by its very definition, is not considered truth. It may be my personal truth, but it is not empirical truth. And I’m okay with knowing that I might have more to learn, or I might be completely wrong. That’s acceptable to me, because I am not trying to force my opinions on anyone else. They are mine and as long as they do not cause me to harm another person, I am allowed to them.

I think the problem comes when, due to our opinions or personal truths, we feel justified in persecuting another, either emotionally, physically or spiritually. And I think that as Christians, or any person who has accepted the words of Christ into their heart, we are held to a very high standard in how we are to treat others:

Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question:  “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22: 34-40.

I serve a God who calls me, ultimately, to love. To love a living God. To love people who are different than me. To love people who hold different beliefs than I do. To love people who live lifestyles that I was not born into and may not fully understand. To love people who I may have fundamental disagreements with. To love people who may outwardly appear more broken than I. To love people who might make me uncomfortable.

So what does it mean to love my neighbor? Unfortunately, it seems that in the minds of many Christians, loving someone means helping to show them they are wrong so that they can ultimately find their way to truth. Maybe loving someone means “saving them”. Loving them might mean that we shame them until they change. Perhaps loving someone means ostracizing them from “us” so that they may eventually see the error of their ways, change their lifestyle, and come home to the church. Maybe loving someone means making them feel worthless, so that we can feel worthy. Sometimes our "love" for our neighbors causes us to slowly, but inexorably, push them out of the fold so that we can feel comfortable again. But, in my opinion, that is the kind of love that makes God and the angels weep.

Perhaps we have spent so much time preparing for persecution, that we have learned it too well ourselves.

But Dacia, you say, what about standing up for our beliefs? What about upholding Biblical truths and the institutions of marriage/Adventism/our forefathers/religious liberty/etc.? 

My response to that would be, continue upholding those beliefs in your own life. Strive towards the most loving, genuine, Christ-centered marriage that you can. Do your best to be the most kind, loving, giving, gracious Adventist and live by example. Be the kindest, bravest, most generous American. Embrace your faith and rejoice that others have hope and faith, even if it is not the same as yours. Live your life in such a way that others cannot help but see the reflected love of Christ in you. And rest easy in the knowledge that in the end, God has the power and responsibility to do all the judging and the saving, and is infinitely more wise and capable of such things than we are. I feel relieved to not have that burden. I am only responsible for loving God and for loving people.

And remember . . . this is just my opinion.

Gulp . . .

So I did this crazy thing last night. I’m having a hard time even typing it. I’m not ashamed or anything . . . I keep reminding myself that this is normal nowadays. People do these things, it’s okay. It’s okay.

I signed up for online dating. eHarmony, to be specific.

For. A. Year.

Man, they suck you in with those promotions, don’t they? Paying for a year was only about $15 more than paying for three months. It’s a bargain! But now I’m committed to this little experiment for a year.

A. Whole. Year. 365 Days.

Why would I do such a thing to myself?? Why would I spend money on this kind of torture??

Well, it’s both very simple and very complicated, all at once.

Let’s start with the simple. I’m trying to be a little braver. And for me, part of that involves the irritating phrase “putting myself out there”. I’m trying not to float through my life without purpose. I’m trying to make an effort. And then, if I find that God is gently nudging me towards the knowledge that it’s time to move on, I can do so knowing that I was brave enough to try.

Then there’s the complicated. I love being alone. I hate being lonely. I am excellent at solitude, but dreadful at companionship. I am entirely out of practice when it comes to dating and relationships. And the type of practice that I had centered around my school experience. The only dating experience I have is "Adventist dating" which, I'm sad to say, is a whole different blog post. But ultimately, Adventist dating has no concept of "casual". I have no notion of how to “casually” date as an adult. I’m not sure how to adequately express that “I like you as a person, but after one date, I haven't determined if I want to be married to you for 50 years and have 4 kids. How about a movie?” And on the opposite end, if someone asks me on a date, I don’t want my mind to go into overdrive. I want to practice the art of dating as I would practice any other life skill.

I wish it didn’t have to be online dating. In my dreams for how I might meet someone someday, this never factored in. I don’t enjoy the virtual wall between me and some unknown stranger. I don’t enjoy the thin veneer of desperation that seems to emanate from everyone’s profile (even my own, more than likely). I am not desperate. I am determined. I am determined to try and to be open. I am determined to be proactive and if it doesn’t go well, to dust myself off and be content that I learned a valuable lesson. If I'm still single in 20 years, I can look back and say "Hey, when I was 31, I tried this experiment, learned how to date, and realized that I'm doing okay on my own. Good to know".

In the meantime, it's been one whole day and I've been "smiled at" by 5 strangers and answered lots and lots of random, personal questions. I'm a little tired already. I'm sharing all of this because I can't imagine the whole year going by and never telling any stories about this experience (not going to throw any random guys under the bus, of course!). But I'm sure I'll learn something this year, and I hope to share and to gain insight from people as well.

If anyone has any encouraging thoughts to share on the mysteries of online dating, I'm all ears. I also accept cautionary tales if they are presented with chocolate and hugs.