Gulp . . .

So I did this crazy thing last night. I’m having a hard time even typing it. I’m not ashamed or anything . . . I keep reminding myself that this is normal nowadays. People do these things, it’s okay. It’s okay.

I signed up for online dating. eHarmony, to be specific.

For. A. Year.

Man, they suck you in with those promotions, don’t they? Paying for a year was only about $15 more than paying for three months. It’s a bargain! But now I’m committed to this little experiment for a year.

A. Whole. Year. 365 Days.

Why would I do such a thing to myself?? Why would I spend money on this kind of torture??

Well, it’s both very simple and very complicated, all at once.

Let’s start with the simple. I’m trying to be a little braver. And for me, part of that involves the irritating phrase “putting myself out there”. I’m trying not to float through my life without purpose. I’m trying to make an effort. And then, if I find that God is gently nudging me towards the knowledge that it’s time to move on, I can do so knowing that I was brave enough to try.

Then there’s the complicated. I love being alone. I hate being lonely. I am excellent at solitude, but dreadful at companionship. I am entirely out of practice when it comes to dating and relationships. And the type of practice that I had centered around my school experience. The only dating experience I have is "Adventist dating" which, I'm sad to say, is a whole different blog post. But ultimately, Adventist dating has no concept of "casual". I have no notion of how to “casually” date as an adult. I’m not sure how to adequately express that “I like you as a person, but after one date, I haven't determined if I want to be married to you for 50 years and have 4 kids. How about a movie?” And on the opposite end, if someone asks me on a date, I don’t want my mind to go into overdrive. I want to practice the art of dating as I would practice any other life skill.

I wish it didn’t have to be online dating. In my dreams for how I might meet someone someday, this never factored in. I don’t enjoy the virtual wall between me and some unknown stranger. I don’t enjoy the thin veneer of desperation that seems to emanate from everyone’s profile (even my own, more than likely). I am not desperate. I am determined. I am determined to try and to be open. I am determined to be proactive and if it doesn’t go well, to dust myself off and be content that I learned a valuable lesson. If I'm still single in 20 years, I can look back and say "Hey, when I was 31, I tried this experiment, learned how to date, and realized that I'm doing okay on my own. Good to know".

In the meantime, it's been one whole day and I've been "smiled at" by 5 strangers and answered lots and lots of random, personal questions. I'm a little tired already. I'm sharing all of this because I can't imagine the whole year going by and never telling any stories about this experience (not going to throw any random guys under the bus, of course!). But I'm sure I'll learn something this year, and I hope to share and to gain insight from people as well.

If anyone has any encouraging thoughts to share on the mysteries of online dating, I'm all ears. I also accept cautionary tales if they are presented with chocolate and hugs.