On how I conquered my vast and overwhelming fear of babies

I have always been terrified of babies.


Yes, babies.


Those sweet, adorable, cuddly, perfect, innocent darlings that no creature with even a tinge of human emotion could resist.


They terrified me.


It's not that I thought they were dangerous or evil, not at all. It's mostly that they're so . . . squishy. And breakable. And they cry a lot. And they're breakable. Like, really breakable. Like, you hold them the wrong way without supporting their little heads and they could die breakable. Like, you could bounce them on your hip too hard and hurt their brains, breakable. Who can handle that kind of pressure???? Not me. So up until approximately 9 months ago, I avoided holding babies. 


It wasn't too difficult to avoid. I didn't do any babysitting of infants growing up. I was little enough when my cousins were babies to have avoided most of the responsibilities of caring for them. We didn't have a lot of family friends with babies. And then there was the simple fact that whenever I held a baby (that some ridiculously careless parent just placed willy-nilly in my unsuspecting, untrained arms) it burst into tears of outraged confusion at this obvious show of parental neglect. Without fail. Every single time I held an infant, it recognized in me an obvious inability to protect it and began to wail. So yes, I became a little gun-shy when it came to holding babies. I literally went out of my way to avoid it.


So when I found out that I was going to be an aunt, mingled in with the overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement was this tiny little portion of my brain screaming "You're unworthy!!! You have no training!! You're not responsible enough to even hold a baby, much less be an aunt!!" Not helpful.


But there I was, a few months later with not one, but TWO little babies in my life. That's right, twins:) I couldn't get over the fact that there were two of them. The concept of twins had never been such an astonishing phenomenon to me before, but when faced with the reality, my mind seemed unable to take it in. Two babies. Two little girls nonetheless. Terrifying . . .


Kate Audrey and Ava Kay. Arguably two of my favorite little people in the universe. I will never forget the first time I held them. It just so happened that Ava was the first (Kate was having a snack at the time). I remember being overwhelmed with pure terror that I would hold her wrong, or drop her, and yet wanting to hold her so much I could hardly wait another second. And then there she was, quiet, staring, tiny (they were preemies) and beautiful. I loved her right away and it was the same with Kate. And even though I was nervous, I wasn't scared. It turns out, when you love someone that much, the panic goes away. 

Kate and Ava don't know it yet, but they've given me a gift. Well, besides the gift of just being themselves and filling me with love and pride in pretty much every thing they do. I mean seriously, they're pretty much the most adorable twins ever born into this world:)

Seriously. Ridiculously cute.

The gift they've given me is that I'm no longer terrified of babies. Babies are still breakable and they still cry. It's still a lot of responsibility to hold one. But I love my nieces and would do anything for them. And most importantly, I love them too much to be scared of them:) Blessedly, this has translated over to other babies (which is a relief, since I think there's something in the water, babies are cropping up everywhere)! I can now hold Koen and Sophie with complete and utter enjoyment. I'm anticipating the arrival of people's babies (Melissa (girl!), Gena (waiting!) and Shannon (girl!)). 

Basically, I've caught on to what everyone else already knew. Babies are a blessing and a gift. Always.

p.s. I am still on the fence about wanting to raise one of my own, however. But that is an entirely separate blog:)