Character Sketch - My Macee

*Disclaimer: This character sketch is a snapshot from my viewpoint. It is not the sum total of the individual and it does not encapsulate every facet of who they are. It is a piece of who they are to me.


I start with one of my favorite people. I think I also begin with her because she is difficult to capture, and I needed to see if I could succeed before writing more.

Melissa MacPhee. Macee. Melissa Ann Rae. My best friend. Oh those silly, girly terms. It is not an apt description for our friendship. She has had a wealth of friends since I've known her, all of 11 years now. We met during college, at a time in my life when I finally, at long last, had just gotten my feet under me. I was in the midst of doing something I love, acting on stage. We were in the Diary of Anne Frank together and I have a clear memory of that being one of the most fun, creative points in my life. I made a few life-long friendships as a result of that experience, and my friendship with Macee has become an anchor in my life.

We are an odd pairing. The introvert and the extrovert. Macee is a people person. People are drawn to her like moths to a flame. But unlike a flame, she brings only light and warmth, no singeing or zapping. Her first instinct is always to help, to encourage, to uplift. She is a cheerleader. And from the first, that has always been what she has given to me. She is my #1 fan in friendship. My ideas are always wonderful, my accomplishments are always trumpeted, my quirks and geekery are encouraged and indulged, my hair always looks great, and she always takes my side. To her, I am "hon", "darling" "honey" and "pretty lady". She firmly believes that I am a closeted genius writer and is one of the few people I've allowed to read my stories. She laughs at my jokes and answers the phone when I call, even though she loathes talking on the phone.

To my dear Macee, I am something truly splendid, and that is the great gift she gives me effortlessly.

To most people, the first thing they see is "knockout". She is completely beautiful. Amazing, long hair that looks fantastic in any color. Tall and slender. The loveliest blue eyes, filled with joy. And a smile that you can't help smiling back at. And great teeth. It's ridiculous how nice of teeth she has. In another life, she would be a model. And if that was all you saw when you looked at her, you'd be missing out.

Melissa is devoted. She will give of her time, her energy, her kindness, her love and her patience. She gives it freely to people. All sorts of people. Nice people and maybe not always so nice people. People who deserve it and those who don't. There were times when she gave freely to anyone who needed it, regardless of whether they returned it or not. She has had to learn a hard lesson, and that is that not everyone is capable of returning those gifts. It was hard for me to watch, because I am selfish with my emotional gifts. I generally give only to those I know can return it at some point, except on rare occasions. We had some conversations about that. She learned a little bit from me and got better with putting up some boundaries. But she has continued to be more generous that I ever could be. She still gives generously, if a bit more carefully. The care and concern that she gives to others is one of my favorite things about her. It is also what makes her excellent in her career as a recruiter.

She has a ridiculously big family. They are a beautiful patchwork of blended families. For some people, this would be a continued challenge, an emotional landmine. For her, the more family, the more love and joy to share. She has the gift of building and sustaining connections. She has happily adopted and been adopted by members of my family over the years.

There are very few people who can make me laugh the way she does. Her laugh is infectious. She is wry, witty, silly, ridiculous, goofy, sarcastic, comedic gold. She can talk at an incredible speed when excited and gets excited over little things, just like me. So get us together when we're both excited or hyper and good lord, speed records are broken in our chatter. We become ditzy teenagers (although ironically, we didn't know each other as teenagers), in a frenzy of shared connection and silliness. A shared addiction of diet Dr. Pepper has led to never before seen giddiness. A whole new facet of my personality is revealed when we hang out. There is no one else that I act like that with, no one else who could convince me to do a flowy dress photo shoot. She brings out the BFF in me:)

We share the guilty pleasure of reading YA books, texting each other new books that we've read and enjoyed. I have a category on my Goodreads bookshelf called "possible books for Macee". I also know what not to recommend to her . . . anything vividly violent or scary. Yes I know, why would I recommend that anyway? Well, she had issues with the Hunger Games. Apparently children being forced to violently kill each other gave her nightmares. Go figure. Either she's weird or I'm missing an essential morality chip.

She sings like a freaking Disney princess. And yes, I mean that in the best possible sense. She sounds like a combination of Belle and Ariel. I know this because I have sat in a car with her while we've listened to Disney songs and she sings along and sounds just. like. them. If there are any Disney talent scouts reading in, just an FYI.

Since I've known her, she has gone through many changes. She got out of her punk phase (mostly;), acquired some body art, became an auntie, ate a few crickets, adopted a puppy child, overcame her Adventist roots and learned how to dance, traveled the country and the world, dated some frogs and ultimately married a prince (which was a singular relief to me), and is about to graduate again (overachiever).

Through it all, she passed the point of friendship in my life and became family. And she always will be.

Photo Credit: Dacia Haning (Yes, I'm bragging)

Catching up . . . and an idea

I've had a few people mention that I haven't blogged in a bit. Nice to be missed, I suppose. Here's the scoop though . . . I'm a moody writer. What does that mean? Well, it means that I have to be in a certain mood to write certain things. I write quite a bit all the time. Digital journaling is a thing for me. Some people are classy and considerably cooler than I, and they handwrite in trendy journals or old-fashioned books that have been gutted and had blank pages inserted. They write in beautiful handwriting in parks and coffee shops. Like I said . . . classy. I'm not classy, I type. I print slowly and get impatient when my hands can't keep up with my racing thoughts. I rant quite a bit, and hand writing just isn't conducive to a good rant. But I digress . . . moody writing. For a considerable portion of my writing, I'm writing things that aren't fit for public consumption. I think things out while I'm writing. I might be mentally gnawing on something and I'll write about it until I've mulled it into something I can make sense of. Or maybe I had a bad day and I want to vent. No one wants to hear my mental gnawing or my venting. At least I hope you don't . . . that would be a bit damaged of you.

But at times I'm in the mood to share. Occasionally I'm in the mood to show a little piece of myself that I'd otherwise keep under wraps, if anyone cares to read it. Sometimes I learned something, through the mental gnawing and venting, that brought me to a place I want to share. And then I want to share the struggle, the journey, the joy, the insight, the hilarity, the irony, the happiness.

And sometimes I have ideas. Generally, these ideas are ridiculous. For awhile I thought about writing an ongoing story and posting pieces of it occasionally. But I felt wildly intimidated by that idea. I write creatively quite a bit, but only rarely let people read my scratchings. I am my own worst critic of my writing, but it doesn't make me feel much better when others agree with me:)

So I had another idea I thought I might try. Character sketches. I have a lot of pretty fantastic people in my life. The biggest blessings in my life are the people that God has placed in my life. Based on that alone, I really do feel like God cares for me deeply, because He has placed me in the center of love. So I'm thinking, depending on how often the mood hits me to write them, I might do character sketches of some of those people. My family. My friends.

What is a character sketch? Well, it's the way I see a person. My perception. It will not capture every facet, it will capture the piece of them that is mine, the part that only I will ever have. When you have a relationship with a person, that relationship is a part of them that no one else can or will ever have. Every conversation, every experience, every hug, is a gift for you and you alone. So when I decide to share a character sketch of a person, it will be who they are to me, or how they seem to me. Maybe not entirely accurate, or only accurate to me. It will be my snapshot of the people who bring meaning to my life.

Maybe it won't be interesting to anyone but me and maybe them. Hopefully it doesn't ruffle any feathers if my snapshot is out of focus or isn't shaped right. But maybe, just maybe, I can sketch out a clear picture of some of my favorite people.

Or maybe I'll write one and the resounding responsive sound of crickets will indicate "never again". We'll see.

In which I diversify my online dating experience

The saga of online dating continues . . . although I decided to throw a monkey wrench in it this week. After a good conversation with a friend, I decided that eHarmony just hasn't been eventful enough for me yet. I need to diversify. If I'm going to try this experience for a year, why not kick it up a notch? So I joined Adventist Singles Connection.

Wow.

Just . . . wow.

I am a card-carrying member of the Adventist church. I went to an Adventist grade school, academy, and college. I know how to bake cottage cheese loaf. I even worked for the Oregon Conference for 4 years and worked at Camp Meeting. My only true failing as an Adventist  was never joining Pathfinders and disliking summer camp (I know, I know, please don't revoke my membership). I am part of the tribe.

But let's be real . . . our Adventist family is . . . diverse. Two people can call themselves Adventists and be on absolute opposite ends of the spectrum in almost every way. A lot of the men on this website gave off the distinct impression of being waaaaaaaay on the opposite end of Adventism than I am. But they are very, very eager to meet an Adventist girl. Any Adventist girl.

So, things did not go slowly on adventistsinglesconnection.com. Lord have mercy, the wolves descended. And the wolves were mostly 40-50 year old men who sent me jaunty-sounding pick up lines. Such confidence for guys who are 10-20 years older than me. Is this a thing now? I suppose, if I met someone really special and amazing who was 10 years older than me, I might ponder it. Carefully.

But my favorite so far was from a young man by the username of Jesuslvrboy. Red flag right there. He sent me a little card graphic that had a verse about a woman's hair being her crowning glory. Okaaaaay . . . slightly red flag as well. Then he sent me a little note that said "Hello, beautiful princess of God!!"

Okay, Jesuslvrboy, first off, I don't know how Jesus would feel about your casual exploitation of his name in your romantic life, but that's neither here nor there. However, I may have liked the idea of being a princess when I was 5, but I am now a grown woman, sometimes much to my chagrin. There's no need to talk down to me, just be cool man, be cool!

But hey, at least I'm hearing from people! And again, there are a few normal guys I'm hearing from, but those are the ones I don't want to throw under the proverbial bus.

Sorry Jesuslvrboy, but you are fair game.

Video Games & Speedo's . . . Oh My!

Well, I did promise to share the ongoing mysteries of online dating with the masses. Two weeks in, and at least the nervous flutter is gone. Online dating is the death of stomach butterflies. I’ve had some very odd matches so far. One fine young man listed his job title as “Bouncer at a Gentleman’s Club”. In his pictures, he is a very fit looking gentleman laying out on pool furniture in a speedo.

A speedo.

I feel that EHarmony may have received skewed test results from me somehow. In what universe would I ever be interested in a speedo wearing bouncer??

I digress.

I was also matched with a man who stated, right up front, that his favorite thing to do is play video games and he’s “not going to apologize”. I say “more power to you, man”. I support the right of a man to play video games all day long in his pj’s. I feel the same way about books. That being said, I have no interest in dating a guy whose favorite thing to do is play video games and I’m quite sure he wouldn’t want to date a girl who thinks that video games should be an occasional entertainment and not a religious fervor.

Another match of mine is a big, burly security guard who is holding either a gun or a cat in every single picture. I find this in equal parts terrifying and slightly endearing. He also does not smile in any of his pictures, which gives him a slight creeper vibe. I’m sure he’s lovely in person.

I hear that refrain over and over in my mind. “I’m sure he’s a nice guy once you get to know him”. Even the speedo wearing bouncer is probably nice. There is a slightly hysteric tinge in my inner voice as I remind myself that I'm sure they're all very nice.

I will end this post by saying that there are a few mostly normal guys that I've been matched with, but it's slow-going and, sadly, they're not as amusing to write about.

Thoughts on persecution . . . and a few opinions

I read an article today about persecution. In my mind, that word has always been synonymous with horrifying historical events, such as the persecution of Jews and then Christians in the Bible. I think of the Holocaust. I also think of slavery. I know there are countless other examples of persecution throughout history, but those just pop into my mind when I see the word. I’m sure it’s my upbringing that this springs from. I was raised on biblical stories of persecution. As an Adventist, I was raised to believe that the worst forms of persecution happened to believers and that someday, during the time of troubles, we’re due for more persecution because of our beliefs. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I’ve always been mentally braced for persecution, as though it was a foregone conclusion and I needed to prepare. Someday, someone is going to treat me horribly because of my faith. Wince. Brace. Prepare.

The article I read today was about persecution. But it wasn’t about Christians being persecuted. It was us doing the persecuting. We were the ones persecuting people because they are different, because they don't fit into our mold of what is "right".

I don’t like getting in the middle of social or theological debates. I have opinions. Sometimes they are even strong ones and if someone asks and genuinely wants to know my opinion, I will tell them. Maybe. But I am not of the mindset that my opinions are right. An opinion, by its very definition, is not considered truth. It may be my personal truth, but it is not empirical truth. And I’m okay with knowing that I might have more to learn, or I might be completely wrong. That’s acceptable to me, because I am not trying to force my opinions on anyone else. They are mine and as long as they do not cause me to harm another person, I am allowed to them.

I think the problem comes when, due to our opinions or personal truths, we feel justified in persecuting another, either emotionally, physically or spiritually. And I think that as Christians, or any person who has accepted the words of Christ into their heart, we are held to a very high standard in how we are to treat others:

Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question:  “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22: 34-40.

I serve a God who calls me, ultimately, to love. To love a living God. To love people who are different than me. To love people who hold different beliefs than I do. To love people who live lifestyles that I was not born into and may not fully understand. To love people who I may have fundamental disagreements with. To love people who may outwardly appear more broken than I. To love people who might make me uncomfortable.

So what does it mean to love my neighbor? Unfortunately, it seems that in the minds of many Christians, loving someone means helping to show them they are wrong so that they can ultimately find their way to truth. Maybe loving someone means “saving them”. Loving them might mean that we shame them until they change. Perhaps loving someone means ostracizing them from “us” so that they may eventually see the error of their ways, change their lifestyle, and come home to the church. Maybe loving someone means making them feel worthless, so that we can feel worthy. Sometimes our "love" for our neighbors causes us to slowly, but inexorably, push them out of the fold so that we can feel comfortable again. But, in my opinion, that is the kind of love that makes God and the angels weep.

Perhaps we have spent so much time preparing for persecution, that we have learned it too well ourselves.

But Dacia, you say, what about standing up for our beliefs? What about upholding Biblical truths and the institutions of marriage/Adventism/our forefathers/religious liberty/etc.? 

My response to that would be, continue upholding those beliefs in your own life. Strive towards the most loving, genuine, Christ-centered marriage that you can. Do your best to be the most kind, loving, giving, gracious Adventist and live by example. Be the kindest, bravest, most generous American. Embrace your faith and rejoice that others have hope and faith, even if it is not the same as yours. Live your life in such a way that others cannot help but see the reflected love of Christ in you. And rest easy in the knowledge that in the end, God has the power and responsibility to do all the judging and the saving, and is infinitely more wise and capable of such things than we are. I feel relieved to not have that burden. I am only responsible for loving God and for loving people.

And remember . . . this is just my opinion.

Gulp . . .

So I did this crazy thing last night. I’m having a hard time even typing it. I’m not ashamed or anything . . . I keep reminding myself that this is normal nowadays. People do these things, it’s okay. It’s okay.

I signed up for online dating. eHarmony, to be specific.

For. A. Year.

Man, they suck you in with those promotions, don’t they? Paying for a year was only about $15 more than paying for three months. It’s a bargain! But now I’m committed to this little experiment for a year.

A. Whole. Year. 365 Days.

Why would I do such a thing to myself?? Why would I spend money on this kind of torture??

Well, it’s both very simple and very complicated, all at once.

Let’s start with the simple. I’m trying to be a little braver. And for me, part of that involves the irritating phrase “putting myself out there”. I’m trying not to float through my life without purpose. I’m trying to make an effort. And then, if I find that God is gently nudging me towards the knowledge that it’s time to move on, I can do so knowing that I was brave enough to try.

Then there’s the complicated. I love being alone. I hate being lonely. I am excellent at solitude, but dreadful at companionship. I am entirely out of practice when it comes to dating and relationships. And the type of practice that I had centered around my school experience. The only dating experience I have is "Adventist dating" which, I'm sad to say, is a whole different blog post. But ultimately, Adventist dating has no concept of "casual". I have no notion of how to “casually” date as an adult. I’m not sure how to adequately express that “I like you as a person, but after one date, I haven't determined if I want to be married to you for 50 years and have 4 kids. How about a movie?” And on the opposite end, if someone asks me on a date, I don’t want my mind to go into overdrive. I want to practice the art of dating as I would practice any other life skill.

I wish it didn’t have to be online dating. In my dreams for how I might meet someone someday, this never factored in. I don’t enjoy the virtual wall between me and some unknown stranger. I don’t enjoy the thin veneer of desperation that seems to emanate from everyone’s profile (even my own, more than likely). I am not desperate. I am determined. I am determined to try and to be open. I am determined to be proactive and if it doesn’t go well, to dust myself off and be content that I learned a valuable lesson. If I'm still single in 20 years, I can look back and say "Hey, when I was 31, I tried this experiment, learned how to date, and realized that I'm doing okay on my own. Good to know".

In the meantime, it's been one whole day and I've been "smiled at" by 5 strangers and answered lots and lots of random, personal questions. I'm a little tired already. I'm sharing all of this because I can't imagine the whole year going by and never telling any stories about this experience (not going to throw any random guys under the bus, of course!). But I'm sure I'll learn something this year, and I hope to share and to gain insight from people as well.

If anyone has any encouraging thoughts to share on the mysteries of online dating, I'm all ears. I also accept cautionary tales if they are presented with chocolate and hugs.

Be a little braver

If someone asked me to describe myself in 5 words, I'd probably give a safe, socially-acceptable answer. For instance, I might say that I'm responsible, caring, book-addicted, geeky, and overly introverted. There, that's me. Nutshell.

A more realistic and authentic answer would be that I'm searching, compromising, conflicted, indecisive, and timid.

I'm searching for something meaningful in life. I know what I'm supposed to find meaningful; my religion, my relationships, my work, my passions. But I'm still searching.

I compromise too much. If I can't have what I want or need, I accept the next best thing. I give in. I bend. I give people what they want or expect, even if I don't feel like it's what I really want or should give.

I'm conflicted. People speak with authority towards me about a myriad of things and I listen. I am not much for arguing. I take it all in and ponder, and leave conflicted. I disagree deep down with people that I love, but I don't argue with them. I tell myself that it's better to have inner conflict than to have arguments with people I care about.

I am incredibly indecisive. I overthink everything, mostly because I have entirely too much time in my own head. One minute, I think I've made up my mind, 100% yes or no, and the next minute, I'm in the opposite corner. Apparently I don't mind arguments in my own mind, it's much more civilized. And once I commit to a decision, I agonize whether it was the right one. I have regrets that I made too hasty of decisions. I wonder if it's too late to change my mind.

I'm too timid. If I could change one thing about myself, I would be a little braver. I would take more risks. I wouldn't be so afraid of failure. I would remind myself that every day is an opportunity to grow and change. I would be brave.

If I could change one thing about myself, I would be a little braver:
I would go dancing.
I would laugh louder and not worry that my laugh sounds ridiculous.
I would speak up, even at the risk of being wrong.
I would wear high heels.
I would drive to an unfamiliar area of town and let myself get lost.
I wouldn't make excuses every time a friend tries to set me up on a date.
I would always say yes when my friends invited me to hang out.
I would plan trips out of town two weekends in a row and not worry about being tired.
If I saw a cute guy looking at me, I would look right back and smile.
I would learn how to snowboard.
I would make plans on weekday evenings all the time.
I would plan a trip to Europe by myself, just so I could go.
I would go hiking by myself.
I would buy a house.
I would try online dating.
I would buy a bike.
I would take a yoga class and not worry about looking utterly ridiculous.
I would get involved in community theater.
I would say "yes" more to babysitting for my friends and not worry that I'm going to accidentally scar their child for life by putting them to bed wrong (i.e. wrong bedtime story, singing off-key, etc).
I would talk to people I don't know.
I would give more hugs.
I would allow myself to be open to the possibility of love, and not worry about heartbreak.
I would sing loudly and not worry whether I sound excellent or awful.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?